Hats-$10

Tshirts- $25

Grandma it would be a lie if I said I didn’t miss you. So much has happened since you left, and some of it just makes no sense to me. I pick up the phone to call you all the time, because I know you always have the answers. Then I remember that you’re no longer here and I put the phone down. I would give anything for just one more talk with you. I need you to help me make sense of some things. Nothing went the way I thought it would after you left, but I’m sure you’re watching and you know that by now.

Sometimes I feel like I took those last few months with you for granted, and I never meant to do that. I just couldn’t figure out how to be in two places at the same time. My family needed me here, and you needed me there. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. You understood I needed to be home, but that just doesn’t seem to be enough for me at times. I wish you and Xavier would have had more time together. More time to build the relationship that we ended up having. More time to build better memories. 

I question if I made the right choice to stay in New York and suffer after I had Xavier.  Me and you had made plans for us to come out there and I never followed through. I didn’t do any of the things I stayed in New York to do. I should’ve left a long time ago. It would’ve been an out for me, but more importantly I would have been there to help you.

I miss you so much. I know time heals all wounds, but i’m not sure I’ll ever be the same. There was still so much I needed help through. Now I have no one. I love you more than I’ve ever been able to tell you. Sometimes I sit and wonder if you knew just how much you meant to me. How much I looked forward to our phone calls. 

Watch over my mom for me. Hug her, and tell her how much I’ve missed her too. Tell her about Xavier for me. Tell her how amazing he is, and how much he reminds you of me when I was younger. Tell her how the doctors counted him out, but God had different plans for him. Tell her how hard we had to fight and pray to get him to where he is today. Oh how I wish she would’ve been able to meet him. Let her know how much I wish she would’ve fought, and held out just a little longer. It was so much I needed her to explain to me. So much I put myself through that I wouldn’t have dealt with if she was here. Tell her that I had a moment of weakness where I felt like life wasn’t worth living. But tell her i’m trying, I really am. Things get hard and life seems really dark at times, but i’m a fighter. I’m fighting my way through it. I will make it.

I understand now our time had to be cut short. So I could go through everything that I went through. So that my story may one day help someone else. I promised that I would always use my voice. Well that promise has started me blogging. Wasn’t what I had in mind, but I’m doing it. I really feel like it’s helping me.

Before I go I just wanna tell you grandma that I get it. I remember you telling me after my mother died; not to allow the darkness to consume me, but I did and I became comfortable in it. You would tell me to pray. I couldn’t understand it then, and really I didn’t see the need to pray. After losing you that same darkness started to consume me again, and I fell into a depression that I really couldn’t shake. I was ok there, because it was a familiar place for me. It was a place where I found comfort. It was like nothing was right. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong. One night I couldn’t sleep, and I started hearing “will you trust me in the midst of it all?” Day after the day the question just kept repeating in my head. So I started to pray. It took me some time but I’m finally ready to trust God with all of my pain, with all of my hurt. With all of me. So I guess im saying my answer is YES LORD YES i’ll trust you in the midst of everything im going through. Sometimes you have to be willing to step out of what you’ve  become comfortable in, and not look back. So here’s to no turning back.

So grandma I love you. Mommy I love you too. I hope I make you two proud of me. Until we meet again.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!

Part 2

Looking back I can see now that my mom was always different from others, but that’s just what made her so much better. I remember I was in kindergarten and I guess I was having separation issues; her being home and me being in school all day. So everyday I would go to school, I would just cry, or I would pretend to be sick. They would call my mom and I would get to go home. It got to the point where she just didn’t send me. She would send me just so I could get whatever work I needed. Then she would come pick me up in the middle of the day. The only time I stayed in school all day was if I had a trip. Guess she knew I just needed to spend extra time with her. Maybe she knew from then how life would play out for us. Maybe she didn’t. I’m thankful either way for every moment I was able to spend with her no matter how small it was.

I remember when she first showed back up at my grandma’s house, I was so excited. When I found out that she would be staying I got super scared, and confused. Don’t get me wrong this was the moment I had waited for; for so long. In my head I just couldn’t trust it. I couldn’t trust that this time she was back for good. Even with her standing there promising to never leave me. My head wouldn’t let me trust it, and my heart wanted nothing more than for it to all be true. A week or so into her being home the whispering started.

 My mom and my grandma sneaked around talking to each other and then stopped whenever I came in a room. Forget just changing the subject they would stop talking all together. Then my aunt got in on the whispering, and I just knew my mom was leaving again. If only it was just that simple. 

Soon after the whispering started my mom started to have doctors appointments often. I didn’t really think much of it. In my head all those years she spent away from me she must’ve missed her appointments with the doctor. So she was just catching up. I realize now how silly that may sound, but that’s really what I was telling myself. In between all the whispers and appointments me and my mother started to build this amazing relationship. Somehow she had got me to drop my guards, and I was finally happy again. I finally had a mom like everyone else I knew, and this time she wasn’t leaving. My heart was full, and I just knew my prayers had been answered. God had finally heard me. It wasn’t what I prayed for word for word, but it was good enough for me. Little did I know my world would soon be turned upside down yet again.

My mom got sick and was in the hospital for a few days. At first I wasn’t allowed to visit. I begged and I cried until my grandma finally took me to see her. I remember sitting there and my mom and grandma argued back and forth about telling me what was going on as if I wasn’t in the room. The doctor came in and my grandma made me leave out the room. When the doctor left out and my grandma came to get me out the hallway, she looked like someone knocked the air out of her. When I went back in the room my mom told me she had something she needed to speak with me about. She told me that I needed to be strong and my worst fears came rushing back to me immediately, she was about to tell me that she wouldn’t be returning home with me. That I would have to continue to live with my grandma instead of her. My little heart wasn’t ready for what she was about to tell me. I stood tall and I told her I could be strong. She took my hand and told me she had cancer. The doctors were only giving her 3 to 6 months to live. I remember feeling like my heart had fallen out of my chest, and I felt the tears fall before I even had a chance to process what was being said to me. She wiped my tears. My grandma told me this wasn’t the time for tears. So I dried my eyes and summoned what little strength I had left to keep myself together. My mom told me that the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about, and they didn’t know how strong she really was. She told me she had just gotten her favorite girl back, and there was no way she was leaving me this time. I believed her.

I found out the only reason they told me was because my mom was taking Chemo, but it made her feel worse. So she refused treatment and the doctors told her without it she wouldn’t live long. So I watched as my mother fought for every day we had together.

I didn’t cry around my family. I had promised that I would be strong, and that’s what I was doing. There’s only so much a 12 year old girl can take before she starts to fall apart. I was dealing with my mom being sick at home. Then I would go to school and I had to deal with people picking on me there. I wasn’t focused and my work started to suffer. I remember my teacher stopping to talk to me about my work and the tears just started falling. He told me to step into the hallway, and he asked me what was going on. I broke down right there and I told this man that my mom was dying. That was the first time I had ever said it to anyone. It was the first time that it all really hit me, and it all became so real for me in that moment. I broke down and I couldn’t stop the tears. He hugged me and told me that it would be ok. That was the first time anyone had told me things would be ok. I believed him.

At this point I really started to pray, because if God was able to bring her back to me then he could also heal her. My grandma told me to pray that God’s will be done like she was, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to live longer than the time she was giving, and I wanted her to be healed. So that’s what I prayed. When my mom came home from the hospital she was placed in a hospice program. A home attendant came to our house every day to help her. The home attendant never did anything but watch tv. My mom wanted to move around and do everything for herself, and that’s just what she did. When the 6 months was up she was kicked out of the hospice program. She told me that she was living too long for the program. So that was prayer number 1 answered. Come on God you got this.

It’s like she was trying to fit so many life lessons into what little time we had left. I just didn’t realize it then. She was preparing me and I had no clue it was happening. It’s like she knew that our time together was running out. I had an uncle pass away August 12, 2013, and he had a service here in New York the day of the blackout. Then his body was flown down south. While we were down south my mom told my cousin she was next. She said God had let her live long enough to get me ready to live without her and that I was almost ready. Nobody believed her. We all brushed her off like she was crazy. 

There was a really bad rain storm after we got back from down south. My mom told me to tie my hair up and let’s go outside. We danced in the rain. We rain. We sang. I laughed and smiled. I kicked my sandals off and I splashed in the puddles. I kicked water at my mother and she kicked water back at me. I was soaked from head to toe, and it was absolutely amazing. It was the best day of my whole life. I was 14.

My mom got really sick a few days later. I woke up and she was throwing up blood. I was scared, but I promised to be strong. I told her that I thought we should get some help. She told me no. She told me she just needed me to help her to the bathroom. She had blood coming from everywhere. At this point I knew we needed more than just me. So I ran and got my grandma. She came running up the stairs. She told my mother she needed to go to the hospital, but she refused. My mom said she wanted to take a bath to clean up some. So we ran the water. My grandma told her that if she got worse she would have to go to the hospital. She agreed. While sitting in the tub my mom threw up what looked like a chunk of blood the size of my hand. My grandma called 911. My mom was so upset with me for getting my grandma. I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital with my mom when the EMTs showed up. My aunt went with her. I stayed home and cried until my aunt got back. She told me that my mom would be fine. That she was doing much better before she left.

The next morning during sunday school my grandma got a call. It was the hospital, they told her that if she wanted to see my mom alive again she better come now. We rushed to the hospital. I sat outside her room. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. Something in me knew that if I went in the room it meant this was over, and I just wasn’t ready for that. My grandma went in first. Then my aunt went in. my grandma said “Nicky you need to go say goodbye to your mom.” I just sat there. My body was so numb I wasn’t even sure my legs would hold me up when I was ready to go in. when I finally got enough strength to walk in my moms room. I grabbed her hand and rubbed her face and I told her how sorry I was for telling my grandma she was sick. She opened her eyes for the first time since we had been there. She looked at me and smiled. My mom died immediately after that. The doctors rushed in and started working on her and all I could do was slide to the floor and cry. I never got to tell my mom I loved her before she took her last breath. She promised she would never leave me, and this time she left me forever.

What was meant for evil; God uses for good!!!!

Today my heart hurts. I haven’t lost anyone or anything but there’s a chance that I could. That chance that I could is making my heart hurt more than I ever thought it could. How can I love someone that I’ve never met? It’s so early that I can’t even do anything to help you even if I wanted to. I just found out about you like 2 or 3 days ago and I love you already. I love you with a love that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve dreamed of you and wanted you for so long. You are loved and you are wanted. If I never get to meet you I will grieve your loss.

We’ve talked about you for years. Wonder what a little bit of him and just a little more of me mixed together would look like. How would you act? Who would you look like more? The answer was always me(lol). You would act like me. You would look like me. Another little version of me in the flesh.  Another big blessing in a little package.

When I close my eyes I see you. I haven’t told anyone this but I see you. A brown skin little girl with curly pretty pigtails. With eyes like your dad and a smile like my mom and a laugh that reminds me so much of my mom. Oh my baby girl I see you and you are perfect in every way.  You’re so happy. Every time I see you smiling you seem so happy. I feel so happy when I’m watching you. You’re what’s missing in my life. I need you.

I’ve started making a list of names but I don’t need the list. In my dreams I call you Carleena and in real life i’ll call you the same. You’re named after my mom. Idk how I know you’re a girl it’s just a feeling that i’ve been having. I call you Leena for short. I love you already more than I love myself. If I had to pick between me and you I would already pick you. You are meant to be here with me. You’re going to be something special. I can feel it.

I just pray God sees fit for you to come into this world through me. If not, I guess we will meet again in another place and in another time. Just know mommy loves you always no matter what.

It’s been a couple weeks and my heart still aches. This pain is different, because I know for sure that you’re gone.I come back and reread these words that I wrote for you and I remember the excitement and the joy that I felt when I found out about you.Things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, but I know that my will isnt always in line with what God’s plan for me is. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t hurt at first, or that I didn’t ask God why us? That I didn’t shed tears over our loss. That being locked in the house dealing with this loss hasn’t made me feel like I was going to lose my mind. I don’t want to lie to you. I will say this. That while in the midst of this pain, I began to talk to God. As I sat and began to pray about it he had people come to me and remind me that he would give me the desires of my heart. So with that being said baby girl; I don’t know when you’re coming or even how you’re coming but I have faith enough to believe that you will get here. I’m trusting God with all that I am to bring you to me. So until then mommy loves you and i’ll be waiting.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!

Father’s day was never an important day for me. It never got me excited. It never made me angry. It was just another Sunday to me, and that’s how I treated it. I don’t ever remember celebrating fathers day until after i had my own child. Don’t get me wrong i know some amazing fathers that i could have celebrated with, but it just didn’t feel right. If I never celebrated with my own dad why would I celebrate with anyone else. 

Let’s take it back for a second. I remember sitting in class, and the teacher gave out paper and crayons. She told us to make our fathers day cards. Everyone was so excited, and they got right to work. I sat there for a while, and then I began to draw. I drew my name with a bunch of hearts and stars around it. My teacher walked by and asked me why I wasn’t making my card for my dad. I remember looking up at her and saying “why make a card for someone I wont see, when I can make something pretty for myself instead.” she looked at me shocked. I just knew I was in trouble. Instead she smiled and told me that my picture was nice as she walked away. I handled every fathers day just the same way I handled that card. Why stress over a day when I can just go do something for myself.

Now I know some of you may be thinking I don’t know my dad, but trust me I do. My dad just did a lot of popping in and out of my life when I was younger. Just so happens he never happened to be in my life for fathers day. There weren’t any other father figures in my life for me to celebrate with either. I watched as my cousins wished their dad a happy fathers day, and gave him cards and gifts. I will say that when I did finally get to celebrate father’s day I was glad that it was my first time. 

Lets just say God is funny. Believe it or not the first time I celebrated  father’s day was june of 2013, and it was with my dad.(bet you didn’t see that coming) I was just as shocked as you. It felt good to finally be with my dad and be able to wish him a happy fathers day. So let’s get into what got us there.

    When I found out I was pregnant and stuck in the hospital my dad used to come and sit with me on the weekends. He would come and he stayed all day, until visiting hours were over. He would come bring me food and we would talk and watch tv. I never wanted to go to sleep, because I was afraid that when I woke up he would be gone. When i would finally fall asleep and wake up, he would be right there sleeping in the chair. I remember one day I called him crying telling him the baby was coming. He left work and rushed to the hospital. He worked on Staten island. I was in the hospital in brooklyn. I remember they wouldn’t feed me and when he got there I was so hungry. He sat in that room with me all night waiting for the baby to come. I was so hungry and so thirsty. He snuck me in some chicken and a few sips of soda. It was the best meal I ever had. The baby never came that night. When my son finally did come he had to stay in the hospital. My dad used to go with me to visit when he wasn’t at work. When we found out the baby would be coming home he took me shopping and he brought the baby all these little outfits. He used to say they were gonna have matching kangol hats. We spent our first fathers day together that year. I brought my first father’s day card and it made my heart so happy. I was super nervous standing in the store trying to pick out the perfect card that would express all that I was feeling. I was that little girl again but this time I wanted to draw his name in the hearts and stars. I finally had the dad I always wanted. It may have taken me awhile to get him but he was here and I was grateful.  I’ve celebrated every father’s day after that.

I can’t talk about father’s day and not talk about the man I’m lucky enough to raise my sons with. Listen when you look up the world’s greatest dad, I’m sure there’s a picture of my husband somewhere under those words. This man goes above and beyond for his sons everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by that he isn’t trying to better his situation so that his kids can have better. He works hard for his family even when his body wants to give up. Before we got married I watched him go without just so his son wouldn’t have to. There is never a moment that our kids are doing something that he isn’t there to cheer them on. I knew from the first moment I saw him with his son that this was the man I wanted to build with. I can’t tell yall to much about him don’t need nobody trying to slide up on him. Just know that if our sons turn out anything like him they will be nothing short of amazing. 

I’m blessed and my sons are lucky to have these two guys in their lives.

Happy Father’s Day

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!

Part one 

There’s gonna be a lot of talk about my mother through this blog. A Lot of you may draw your own conclusions about her from what you read. It may seem like she didn’t love me. It may seem like she wasn’t a good mom. But that isn’t true at all. I know she loved me with all her heart and she was an amazing mom for the time I was able to spend with her. She was my best friend. She taught me so much in the short time we had together. Her death left a whole in me that I’m still trying to heal now. She loved me like I needed to be loved. She saw me for who I was and that was good enough for her. She told me how much she loved me. She never made me feel bad about myself. When I was too hard on myself she was always there to help. She didn’t play when it came to school and respect. Everything else was fair game.

When I think of my mom the first thing that comes to my mind is love. She always did whatever she could to make me feel loved. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that my faith in her love wasn’t tested, because it was. Everyday we weren’t together made me question it, but she would show up or do something that would restore my faith in that love.

Let’s start from as far back as i can remember. My mom has always been my best friend for as long as I can remember. When I was little I was her shadow. I always had to go or, I always had to be wherever she was. In my eyes she was just this bright light and I needed that light to shine on me. I used to pretend to be sick whenever I had school so she could come pick me up. Just so I could spend time with her. I remember she used to dress me just like her  whenever possible and we would go out. I would try to walk like her. I would answer questions the way I thought she would. I wanted to be just like my mom.

Looking back now I can see that there was a problem and she needed help, but when you’re five and this is all you know everything seems perfectly fine. My mom used to leave us home alone a lot. Sometimes it was a few hours and sometimes it was a few days. Never really bothered me until I started getting hungry. Sometimes we were able to find food in the house to eat and sometimes there wasn’t anything to eat. So we would have to figure out how to feed ourselves. In my mind this was what you did when you were my age. It got so bad that the guy in the chinese restaurant knew me. I used to go there to get six chicken wings and fries.I don’t ever remember her asking how or even if we had eaten when she was gone for so long. Maybe she asked my brother but she never asked me. In my heart she knew she was hurting us and that’s why I believe she sent us to live with my grandmother(my dad’s mom). 

The night she realized she had to give me up for good, I could see the hurt in her eyes. I could hear the pain in her voice when she was saying goodbye. I could feel something in me breaking. I knew this time would be different. My head told me there was no going back after that moment, but my heart wouldn’t let me believe. As I watched my mother walk away without me she took my heart with her. I never thought it was possible to hurt that much. The pain radiated through my whole body. It made me feel sick. She had left me and there was nothing I could do about it.  

I remember taking every chance I could to go look for my mother after that. Whenever my grandma would send us to the store I would go looking in places that she would hangout. I used to walk in buildings asking whoever I saw if they saw my mother. I was a child on a mission and I didn’t care about how much danger I was in. I was in these buildings stepping over needles and crack heads. Turning people over making sure it wasn’t her. I was hoping that if I told her I was living in hell she would keep me, or even if she looked in my eyes and saw my pain it would change her mind. Sometimes I would find her, and sometimes I wouldn’t but that never stopped me. I loved her and I would walk through hell to get to her.

What was meant for evil, God uses for GOOD!!!!

I was brought into this world by a black man and woman.

I’m in love with a black man

I’m raising two young black men.

I used to know a guy that loved kids. I mean he really loved kids but he told me that he would never have one of his own. I remember sitting down with him one day so he could explain his reasoning to me. He told me that he saw how this world treated him and he refused to bring a child into it. He refused to ever allow someone to disrespect and hate his  children just off the color of their skin. He told me the only way to make sure they were safe from people like that was to never have them. By this time I already had my son. I couldn’t imagine letting someone’s treatment of me stop me from being his mom. Even with everything that had happened in my past I still wanted my son. So I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I thought his way of thinking was all the way off.

Now that I’m raising two young boys of my own I wonder if maybe he was on to something. I have a son that’s 15 and one that’s 7, every time I turn the news on my heart aches for them. Every time they step out of my sight I’m in constant fear for them. It hurts my heart that some people will see them just as black faces instead of getting to know their hearts. They’ll be seen as threats instead of the loving gentle boys that they are.

How do I explain to my 7 year old son that soon he will go from being a cute little black boy, to being someone they fear? Not because he has ever done anything to them for them to fear him, but just because of the color of his skin. That a lot of the people that he was taught were there to help him may mean him harm as he gets older. That even though he is taught he is free and equal he really isn’t. Why is it that I’ve already had to train him to be twice as good? Just to get half as far. To make sure he doesn’t make any mistakes. Why is it that I have to teach him that he can’t have an outburst, that he has to learn how to hold in his anger and his hurt until he gets home to me. That I’ll take it. No matter what you’re going through out there, don’t express it. Bring it home and I’ll help you through it. Am I crippling my child with this way of thinking?

I tell my oldest son to go to school and come straight home and most days that’s just what he does. Some days he stops and plays arounds with his friends. These days I hold my breath until he walks through the door. What if he is out playing around with his friends and they end up in the wrong place, at the wrong time. What if one day they fit the description for something they didn’t do. What if he answers their questions wrong. What if he gets sarcastic with them and they don’t like it. What if he reaches for his phone and they fear for their lives. What if he starts to twirl his pencil and they think it’s something else. Oh God please bring my baby home safe, so I stop, pray and hold my breath until he is home safe.While he’s  home i’m trying to teach him how to behave. Don’t go out of this house acting a fool. Be better behaved out there then you are in here with me. Don’t walk too fast, don’t run, but make sure you get home as quickly as possible. Don’t wear your hood on your head at night. If the police ever stop you keep your hands up and in clear sight at all times. Tell them you don’t have any weapons on you loudly and clearly. Whatever you do please never reach for anything. Why must I give this speech to my son all the time just because he looks different. 

How do you explain to your kids that just because of their skin color they are considered a threat? How is it fair that I have to teach my son not to wear his hood on his head because I’m afraid for his safety. Why is it that I have to prepare my children for the sad fact that this world doesn’t love them? Just because they will grow into strong black men one day. Why do I have to teach my children so many extra rules? 

Even though I know all of these things and I’ve seen first hand how my skin color gets me treated. I still teach my sons to love everyone no matter their skin color. To treat others with the same respect that you would want them to give you. You bonded with people based on the energy they put out there. Love is love and you may receive love from someone that doesn’t look like you and that’s ok. It just means they don’t see color either.

After all these years I still ask myself, was he right? Was it selfish of me to bring these kids into such a cruel world. I can’t be with them every moment in their lives, so how am I supposed to keep them safe from everyone that sets out to harm them. How do I keep them from experiencing the same sinking feeling that I felt. If only I could keep them locked in the house and under my wing forever. Hopefully, if they have children, their children will be born into a world that doesn’t see color, just character.

I was brought into this world by a black man and woman.

I’m in love with a black man.

I’m raising two young black men.

I am a strong, frustrated, smart, beautiful, heart broken black woman.

What was meant for evil, God uses for GOOD!!!!

Part 2

Things were tense between me and my grandma for a while. I wasn’t trying to hear her and she wasn’t about to abandon her way of doing things. So we bumped heads a lot. I couldn’t forgive her for what she said to me and she wasn’t about to apologize any time soon. We lived in a house together but barely spoke. I made sure I only went downstairs when I knew she was in her room and when she was up moving around I would lock myself in my room. If she called me I would pretend like I was asleep.

Soon it was time for me to apply for college. I applied to a bunch of schools most of them were away from home. She required me to apply to school near home too. So I did. When it was time to pick, I wanted to go to school in the south and that’s where I was headed in my mind. She then asked me how I planned to get there. That she isn’t allowing me to go that far away from home. So I ended up attending college in Albany. I was so angry, when I left for school, school wasn’t what I was focused on at all. The first half of my college experience is kinda a blur. I was all over the place. I could care less about my classes. All I wanted to do was be free and live my life. I partied, I drank, I ran wild there was nothing no one could tell me. I ended up getting myself into a little bit of trouble while I was there but, I guess you live and you learn.

I remember coming home for my christmas break and my grandma sat me down and talked to me about my grades. I can still see the disappointment in her face when I told her about them. For a moment I was so happy. I was finally making her feel the way she had made me feel so long. Later on, she continued to look at me with the same look of disappointment and I knew that wasn’t what I wanted from her. Her disappointment in me hurt. It hurt more than I ever thought it would. So the next half of my school year I did way better, but by then the damage was already done. To me she never looked at me the same after that.

Soon my grandma moved out of New York and went to live in South Carolina and that’s when our relationship began to change again. When she moved away we would talk all the time. We were finally able to mend things that were broken and heal.  She became my best friend. I used to call her and talk to her about everything. She kept my secrets, she prayed for me when I needed it and didn’t think I needed it. She continued to be my pastor even from so far away. When I thought I didn’t need to go back to church she made me see otherwise. I loved calling and talking with her. She always told me the truth and didn’t sugarcoat it and that was what I needed. It seemed she had finally learned how to be my grandma and not just my pastor. She finally realized I was young and I was gonna make mistakes and I wouldn’t be perfect.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was so nervous and I wasn’t ready to be a mom. Hell, I never thought I would ever be anyone’s mom. I called her and I told her, crying. She asked me what I was crying for now. I told her I couldn’t have a baby. She asked me if I thought about that when I was laying down having fun making him. I remind her of what my doctors told me about me having kids. All she said was God always has the last say. After she found out I was pregnant she really started calling me everyday. We prayed and we talked. We came up with a plan that would be good for us both. She told me to have the baby and bring him down there to her and she would raise him as her own just like she did me. Only difference was she told me that I could never tell him that I was his mom. She would give him everything I couldn’t and I agreed to this. We talked and we planned out how everything would go. 

However, things never seem to go the way I plan them. One day I ended up in the hospital and my baby was supposedly coming early. I stayed in that hospital for a month and everyday I spoke to my grandma two or three times a day. If I didn’t answer when she called she kept calling. Whenever the doctors came in I would call her so she could hear what they were saying or I would call her and tell her what they said. She helped me make every decision along the way. She prayed for me through my whole hospital stay and my son’s stay too. After I had him she asked me when I was bringing him to her and I told her I couldn’t. She told me she already knew that once I laid eyes on my baby I wouldn’t be able to let him go. She told me she loved me. 

When things got hard here for me and Xavier she told me that we could always move down south to live with her. I really considered her offer. Started looking to see if I could find daycare near her and everything. Started looking into what kind of job i could possibly get when he was old enough and well enough for me to leave him. Something in me just wouldn’t let me leave . So I decided to stay and struggle and figure it out with my baby. After that she offered to take him again. Same offer as before. If she took him i couldn’t tell him i was his mother, she would have to raise him as her own. This time I turned her down immediately. Told her I had to figure this out for me and my son. That moment she told me she was proud of me. After that the calls slowed down some. I could never understand why that was. She was always just a call away if I needed her.

Later on I figured out she was testing me. She was trying to see if I was gonna walk away from my child like my parents did or would I stand and fight like she taught me how. I choose to fight with and for my child and that made her happy. I wouldn’t turn out to be completely like my mom after all. In that moment she felt confident that she had done a good job raising me and that I had turned out ok despite everything I had gone through.

The day my grandma died I lost the part of me that kept me grounded and in line. She was one of the only people that could talk some sense into me when I was ready to jump off the deep end. She kept me together. She prayed with me, she even cried with me and for me. She loved me more than I ever thought possible. She just had a very different way of showing it. She made me who I am today. I’ll miss her forever.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!

PART 1

For a long time I used to think she didnt love me. There was no way she could love me. No one that loves you would do these things to me. No one that loved me would want me to feel this way. No one that loved me would say the things she said to me. Her daughter didn’t love me and now she doesnt love me either. I used to ask God why he made me a part of that family. Why couldn’t he send me to a family that would love and cherish me.

My Grandma showing up and taking me home with her saved my life. It placed me on a different path. Before my grandma showed up I was living in a house in Bushwick/ Bedstuy with my mom and her boyfriend. He went to work everyday. Some days after he left my mom would leave me in the house by myself and she would go out. She would come back right before he came home. Then it started getting worse. She would leave right after him and she would send me outside to play. I would be outside all day and into the night. I stayed outside until her boyfriend came home from work and told me to come inside. He would feed me and send me to bed. This was the summer before I started 3rd grade. So I was maybe 7 years old. Sometimes when I woke up the next morning she would be there and sometimes she wouldn’t.

If she didn’t come home her boyfriend would tell me to stay inside until she showed up. Then he would leave me home and go to work. Sometimes she would appear later in the day and sometimes she would never show up. It had been 3 or 4 days since I had last seen my mom. Her boyfriend was getting worried about leaving me alone in the house. So he called my grandma and asked if she could come and get me.

My grandma showed up that night on her way to church. She took me by my hand and walked me outta my old life into my new one. Only problem was I was unaware that this was happening. Now that I’m an adult I can see that it was the right thing to do. Back then I couldn’t see that. I was angry he called her and I was worried that my mom would be mad and think I was the one that told her.

Later I became even angrier but this was with my grandma. My mom showed up shortly after my grandma came to get me. I don’t know if she came to take me home with her or, if she came to ask my grandma to keep me. What I do know and remember is her showing up. I remember her telling my grandma I was her daughter. Her telling me she loves me and her leaving with tears running down her face. I can still see that in my head even now. That was the last time I saw my mom for a while. That was also the moment that the old me started to hate my grandmother. How could she keep me from my mom? Why didn’t she want me to be happy? Why did she want me to grow up without my mother? Everyone else had their mom, why not me? She clearly didn’t love me.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much she had to love me. She kept me and never gave me back. No matter how hard things got. No matter how difficult I became she kept me. She did the one thing that I couldn’t count on anyone else to do at that time in my life. She was done raising her kids and here she was starting over with me. No one ever gave her a penny to take care of me and she never went looking for them to ask them for anything either. When she took me in my grandma had to be about 60 but she kept working long and hard days just so she would be able to provide for me. For that I will forever be grateful.

Sometimes when you’re the one living in a situation you can’t see past the love you have for someone. So you’re blind to how much pain they may actually cause you. My grandma was able to see the road my life would have gone down if she would have given me back. She did what was right. Sometimes the right decision is also the hard decision. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to separate me from my mom but it was what was needed. Everyday I open my eyes. I’m thankful for that hard decision. 

However, living with this lady was no walk in the park. Strict is not the word to describe my grandma. She was like strict to the tenth power. So if there’s a word for that then that’s what she was. She wanted everything perfect at all times. She expects the best from you. Sometimes my best wasn’t even enough. She felt like my best wasn’t my best. I can say I pushed myself extra hard to live up to her standards and a lot of the times it just wasn’t enough. I used to pray that she would just wake up one day and not care so much. She was extra tough on me when it came to school. When I started living with her I wasn’t reading at all, but I could memorize a whole book if you read it to me once. I couldn’t do proper math, but I could count your money and tell you what you had left if you spent any of it. I was a street kid. I had all the street smarts and none of the book smarts. The school she was placing me in wanted to hold me back a year. She begged them not to. Told them she would work extra hard with me. If I didn’t catch up then they could leave me back that year. Her and my aunt worked with me day and night. While the other kids were playing I was reading or working on math. I caught up. By the time I made it to 5th grade I had exceeded everyone’s expectations for me. I took a test that year to go to a school for gifted and talented kids. I passed the test and started school there the following school year. When I got to highschool everything started to really get outta hand to me. I remember once at a parent teacher conference she picked up my report card. She took one look at it and asked me what happened and what I had to say for myself. When I looked at my report I thought I had done an amazing job. My average was a 93. She asked me what happened to the other 7 points. At that moment I knew nothing would ever be enough for her.

I stayed in church. Do you hear me? At one point I was in church 7 days a week. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays  were prayers. Tuesdays and Thursdays were prayer and bible study. Saturdays were early morning prayer and going over the Sunday school lesson. While everyone else in the world was sleeping late on Saturdays I was up by 8 in church praying that they would let me go back to sleep. Sundays were Sunday school and Sunday morning service. Some Sundays we even had a 2nd service to go to. We had church so much that the church ended up in my living room at one point. I remember coming home from school and seeing the ST.Peters Holiness church sign hanging from the front of my house. I was so embarrassed. Not only were we the kids that could barely come outside. Now we were also the kids with the church in the house. You would think that with the church being in my house I could come anyway I wanted. Nope, I had to put on my Sunday best just to go downstairs. 

When I got old enough to not be forced to go to church I stopped going for the most part. I was finally free and able to go and come as I pleased. She wasn’t too happy about that. She told me I was living too fast and that I was gonna crash hard. I really didn’t care. I felt like I had lived by her rules for so long and she didn’t care how I felt then. So why should I care about what she was saying now. I remember she told me one day that if I didn’t slow down I would end up just like my mother. I told her I would rather be like my mother than to be like her. I think that was the day my relationship with my grandmother really broke.

Everyone was always telling them how much I reminded them of my mom –  attitude wise. Now that I’m older people tell me I remind them of my grandma. I guess, attitude wise. I think I finally understand why she was so hard on me. Not just because that’s who she was. I think she was scared I would end up like my mom. She used to say she saw so much of her in me. I guess she didn’t want those parts of me to jump out and take over and lead me back down the path she fought so hard to get me off of. What she didn’t realize was by being so hard on me and making me feel like a prisoner in my own home she was forcing me more on that road then she knew. Only thing was she had made me so tough I was able to fight my way back. I know she loved me. I just think she didn’t show it the way I wanted and needed her too. But there’s no doubt in my mind today that she loved me.

GRANDMA I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

What was meant for evil, God uses for GOOD!!!!