A Moment in my TRUTH

Please just give me a few seconds to explain. Your brother had to be about eight or nine months old when I found out I was pregnant again.  To say it was one of the hardest days of my life would be an understatement. As soon as the doctor told me I knew what I needed to do. What I would have to do would break my heart, and it would be something that I  struggle with for the rest of my life. I made the choice right there in that moment that me and you would never meet. Not in the flesh, and not in this lifetime. Just hear me out….

I was in this relationship if that’s what you wanna call it with your dad. He just came home from jail and we were living in your grandparents living room. Neither of us was working at the time,and your brother wasn’t healthy. It was just bad all the way around. It was a lot of stress and pressure on me to make sure that we were all ok.  While dealing with all of this I was getting my ass kicked often. I was broken and I felt defeated. I was angry and hurt that your brother was even brought into this situation. I cried myself to sleep every night. The only thing that brought me peace was the idea of ending it all. I stayed because my grandma told me my son needed a family. I didn’t want him growing up feeling unloved like I did. So I put my life and my happiness on the line so he could have what I never did. My family had no idea what I was going through. His family knew and they told me to work it out. So I tried. 

When the doctor told me I was pregnant all I could do was cry uncontrollably. She tried her best to comfort me. That was the first time I ever told someone other than his family that I was getting the shit beat outta me. She told me that I had choices, and I didnt have to bring another child into a situation like that. She gave me information for a domestic abuse shelter. At that moment I started planning my escape. That’s when I knew what I needed to do.

I won’t lie, I knew that once I told him I was pregnant that he would want me to have you. So I told him that the day before he came home from jail I had sex with someone else. Soon as the words left my mouth he said I needed to have an abortion. So I agreed. I had some insurance issues I had to have fixed so I couldn’t go immediately. The days leading up to my appointment I thought he was gonna knock you outta me.

When the day finally came he took me to the place and dropped me off. It was funny because he knew where the place was perfectly. I would later find out he had been there with his girlfriend while I was pregnant with your brother. When I got in the room all I could do was cry. I felt like what I was doing was wrong. Who was I to say you didn’t deserve to be here. It was so bad they almost didn’t do it. I remember laying on that table hoping not to wake up, that way we would get to be together. I felt horrible for those thoughts because that meant I would have to leave your brother behind.

As soon as I woke up I hated myself. I felt like I deserved everything I was getting. So I put my plan on hold and I stayed. I gave up and I didn’t care about what happened to me after that. I stopped fighting back and I just took whatever from whoever. I didn’t deserve to be respected or cared for. I stayed for over a year, but he hit me one day while I was holding your brother and I knew at that moment that I needed to run. I couldn’t save you but I refused to lose him too.

Till this day I sit and wonder who you would have been and what you would have looked like. I love you just like you are here with me. I still cry often over the choice I made that day. I’m still not sure it was the right one, but it’s one that I have to learn how to live with. I pray everyday that you’ve forgiven me. It’s time for me to forgive myself. I’ve learned that forgiving myself doesn’t have to mean that I felt what I did was right, nor does it mean that I didn’t love you. It’s just time to stop letting this situation hold me back.  I’ll love you forever. 

Love Mommy

P.S. Hopefully you and the other baby, my mom and grandma are all together. Watch over me and your brother until we all can be together again. I’ll love you all forever with all that I am.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!

When I was little my brother was my best friend. He would have tea parties with me. I remember my mom made him take me outside and someone hit me while riding a bike. My brother chased him down, made him get off the bike, and he came to apologize to me. After the boy apologized to me. My brother threw the bike at him, he took me home and we watched scary movies for the rest of the night. That’s the night he told me beetle juice would come for me if i didn’t give him all my snacks. I would climb into his bed, and we would talk about anything my little mind could think of. He would scare me, make fun of me, but there was never a time I had to question if he loved me. The older we got the more that would change.

Soon life would change for us and we had no idea just how big this change was going to be. 

My mom and her boyfriend were losing the house we had grown up in. So while they found a place we were going to go stay with my grandmother (my dad’s mom). It wasn’t supposed to be for long. Just long enough for them  to get everything handled. I ended up being there for a year. When my mom showed up to take us my brother didn’t want to leave. My grandmother and my mom talked for a while. Next thing I know it’s time to leave and my brother isn’t coming with us. It was the first time in my life that we wouldn’t be together. I cried all the way back to my mothers house. I loved my brother. How was he going to make it without me? I took care of him, and now I wouldn’t be able to. For the first time in my life I felt really alone. I was about 6 or 7  when this happened.

I spent the summer with my mom and her boyfriend. She would disappear for days at a time leaving me home alone. So her boyfriend called my grandma (y’all know how that story goes) she came to get me on her way to church one night. 

So I went to live with my grandma (mom’s mom) . The funny thing is when I got there my brother was there already. Strange thing is he wasn’t happy to see me. He felt like I was following him. I was the reason that he had to move from home to home. He didn’t really talk to me much or really want anything to do with me while I was there. 

Eventually he ended up leaving and I stayed and we didn’t really talk much after that. We both were living with family but you would’ve thought we ended up with different families. It’s like my dad’s side and my mom’s side didn’t speak to each other. So it made it real easy for us to grow up not talking to each other. Which also made it easy for people to try to turn us against each other. I used to hear things like he couldn’t wait to get away from you. My favorite was “ ya moms dont want you, ya father don’t want you, and now ya brother dont even want you”. I knew it wasn’t true, but the more I heard it the more I started to believe it. Which is a regret of mine still to this day. There were so many moments in my life when I really needed my brother and he was just a  phone call away. I just never picked up the phone.

 It wasn’t until after our mom died that we really started to work on and repair our relationship. I remember after our mom passed away we were talking and he hugged me and he told me we were all we had left. He was right. Our dad was in the wind. Our mom was dead. It was me and him against the world. By then our bond that we had when we were little had been broken. We weren’t the same and things would never be the same again. We both knew that we needed to be there for each other. So we worked to repair our relationship. We may not have tea parties like we used to and he may not be able to cheat me outta my snack anymore, but if anything ever happens I know we’re gonna ride together. That’s my heart. 

We all we got!!!

What was meant for evil; God uses for GOOD!!!!

When I found out I was pregnant with my son I cried. I’m not talking about happy tears like “ yes this is happening this is all I ever wanted”. NOPE, I cried those ugly I can’t believe this is really happening to me tears. Now don’t get me wrong, my kid is a true blessing. I wouldn’t trade him or anything we’ve been through. It’s just I didn’t want any kids. Not so much as I didnt want them, but I had already planned out my life without them. I stopped caring about the kind of person I was. I wasn’t talking to my family and I was on my own. My mom was gone and my other mother (my grandma) had packed up and moved to South Carolina. What was I going to do with the baby? Who was gonna give my baby his first bath? Who was gonna shape his nose? Who was gonna tell me how to take care of him? I had lived my life floating from one place to the next, and that wasn’t gonna work with this baby coming. I was gonna have to learn how to settle into one place and be ok with that.

I know some may be wondering why would I ever plan my life without kids. Well it’s not like I didn’t want any kids. When I was younger I would play house with my Teddy Bears and I always had two kids. (lol) I used to call them X and C. It wasn’t until I got a little older that I went to the doctor that I found out that I couldn’t have kids.

I’ll never forget it. I had started having sex, and the doctor wanted me to take my first pap smear. I was so nervous. This was my first time ever going to the doctor alone, but I couldnt tell my grandma that i had started having sex. When everything came back the doctor told me she was sending me to see another doctor, because she didn’t like the results. She told me I needed to get a biopsy done on my cervix. So now i’m nervous because I don’t understand anything really. I had no one to talk to about everything. So my 16 year old self thought it smart to take someone with me. So that’s what I did. 

The Morning of the test me and Sha (my boyfriend at the time) went down to the doctors office and we waited. He held my hand the whole time and told me things would be ok. I know he was just as nervous because he was just a kid himself. This was a new experience for the both of us.  When the doctor came out to get me Sha didn’t want to let go of my hand but this was something he couldn’t help me with. 

I remember laying on the table freezing in the robe. Doctor had given me something to numb my lady parts. As he began to cut the tears just started falling. I remember thinking in that moment that I needed my grandma with me. You can’t tell me that I didn’t feel and hear every cut that was made. 

Now I don’t remember this next part all that well. I try to black it out alot over the years. I remember it was time to talk with the doctor. He told me that there was scars and damage done to my cervix. I’m sitting there just looking at him because I was told they were checking to make sure I didn’t have cancer. Now this doctor is talking to me about scars and damage. He then says the one thing that would change my life from that moment on.  The doctor said “ you won’t be able to ever have kids because of how bad the scarring and damage is”. The tears began to fall as soon as the last word left his lips. I got up and I walked away. I never heard anything else he had to say after that. As far as I was concerned my life was over. The one thing that i felt made me a woman I couldn’t even do. 

So finally I broke down, and I told my grandma everything that happened. She said “ God always has the last say.”  So with her words I was on a mission to have a baby. I tried for two years and nothing happened. So at this point the doctor was right and clearly God agreed with him

Now let’s fast forward to 2012. I’m out here just living life all wild and free. I’m dating this guy. It’s his birthday. We rent a little hotel room. We’re drinking and smoking, having a good time. When all of a sudden I can’t catch my breath. I start seeing spots. I had to stick my whole face in freezing water to shock myself into taking a breath. It was so scary. We both agreed I needed to see a doctor. So the next morning we are sitting in the doctor’s office when the nurse calls my name. When I walked in the room she started asking me questions. First question “is it possible you’re pregnant?” I immediately say no thats not possible, but because im a certain age and im actively having sex i must take the test. So i take the dumb pregnacy test. I was laughing the whole time I was peeing in the cup. Like she was wasting all our time. I go sit down and I wait for the doctor and I tell him what happened. He goes “ what if you are pregnant?”  Me “that impossible” Him “ what if it’s possible.”  The doctor walked out and called my name. As soon as we got in her office she put my chart on her desk. I looked down at it and saw my pregnancy test came back positive. All I could say was “ thats a fucking lie”. I wouldn’t even sit down. I told her I needed to take the test again because that’s impossible. I can’t have kids. So she let me take it again. 

Before I saw the results the next time she asked me why I kept saying I cant have kids. From her question I already knew the second test also said I was pregnant. So I just started to cry. At that moment I heard my grandma’s voice in my head “God always has the last say.”

If I learned anything over the years; its to never plan out life based on something that you’re told about yourself. Always take it to God. People will have you out here looking crazy if you live by what they say or think. If God has something for you, it’s yours no matter what anyone else has to say about it. Until God tells you NO have faith enough to believe that it can still happen.

What was meant for evil; God uses for Good!!!!

Funny thing about life is that it still goes on no matter what you’re going through. While writing this blog to heal my little heart, I tricked myself into believing that the world around me would be peaceful, because I was trying to make peace with myself. (LOL) well I was wrong.

While dealing with my old pain, new troubles found me. Difference is this time around I have new tools to help me with my troubles. I’m going to deal with things better this time. I’m going to allow myself to feel what I need to, and say what I need to say. I’m not going to shut down. I’m not going to hide and let things build up. I’m going to stand and place things in God’s hands, and trust that he will work everything out in my favor.

Some things we go through are necessary in order for us to grow.

So pray for me as I go through.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

What was meant for evil, God uses for GOOD!!!!

Those of you reading this that know me may think i’m talking about my grandma, but i’m not. Some of you may think this is gonna be the post that’s about my husband. You also would be wrong. I’ve known my Rock since I was little but she didn’t become my rock until I was 14 and she was 15. We bonded over death (yeah I know that’s crazy). She lost her dad on August 12th and I lost my mom August 31st. Our parents were siblings, so yeah my rock happens to be my cousin. She wasn’t around much when we were little. We would see her from time to time when she would come to visit with her dad but, for some reason we weren’t allowed to play with her. After our parents died she started to come around more and we built this relationship and this bond that I was missing all my life. She’s my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister, the right to my wrong. If i’m ever in need I know I can turn to her and she will hold me down no judgement ever. She corrects me when I’m wrong. She doesn’t allow me to just settle, she wants the best for me and that makes me wanna be better, do better.

She doesnt know just how much I depend on her. I’m also sure she doesnt know how much she means to me. She is the only person in my life that hasn’t walked away from me, or judged me for something I’ve done. For that reason alone I will forever love her. There were so many things I didn’t know and so many things I needed to learn and I would turn to her and she would teach me. Funny thing is she is only a year older than me so she was learning and just passing information down. I’m not even sure that everything she taught me was right but oh well. 

She checks in on me because she knows how I am. I will tell you I’m fine, or I will just go off on my own. She tracks me down and makes sure I’m ok. If she doesn’t like the way I sound she keeps talking until I really tell her what’s wrong with me. She understands that sometimes I just need a moment to myself, but if I’m gone too long without her hearing from me. I know that I will either be hearing from or seeing her real soon.

I remember when I tried to take my life she was the one that found the letter and came to save me. To say she was disappointed is an understatement. When she asked me why I would do something like that I told her that I was alone with no one to love me and I couldn’t take the pain anymore. She held me and told me that I would never be alone as long as she is alive. I can say she has kept her word till this day. She protected me from my mistake that day, but when things got better she defininty let me know how dumb she thought what I had done was.  She loves me like no one has since my mom. Sometimes I feel like my mom sent her to me to keep me safe. If it wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t be alive today.

I look up to her. There isn’t many people that I would say that about. She has taught me how to carry myself with grace even in the worst situations. Sometimes when i’m going off I start pulling it back in, because I can hear her voice in my head “Now Nicky why would you do that?” lol. She’s been trying to teach me that every action doesn’t require a reaction, but that seems to be a lesson I simply cannot learn. lol

I couldn’t have asked for a better cousin, sister, best friend. Crystal Mae I love you lady to the moon and beyond.

What was meant for evil; God uses for Good!!!!

I was raised in the church most of my life. At one point I lost my faith in God. I also began to wonder if God was real. If he was real did he dislike me? Why would he allow me to go through all that I was going through? I remember having this conversation with my grandma. She asked me who I thought I was that I shouldn’t suffer, and have to go through things in life. That Jesus suffered and was crucified for things he hadn’t even done. Then she went on to talk about Job. How he was a just and upright man, and God still allowed satan to take away all that he had. She would always finish the conversation with God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. At that point in my life none of what she was saying was helping, and it wasn’t changing how I felt. Either God couldn’t be real or he just hated me, and wasn’t listening to anything I had to say..

I left home and church. I was finally living life on my own terms. No grandmother looking over my shoulders. No more going to church every other night. I was free and I had no one to answer too. I never stayed in one place too long. I was going wherever my feet could take me. I was living life fast, and I wasn’t going to slow down for anyone or anything. Couple years into my fast life I found out I was pregnant. Funny thing about that was that according to my doctors I wasn’t supposed to be able to have children. So imagine my surprise.

A few months into my pregnancy I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t move. My Best friend helped me get dressed and rushed me to the hospital. I had just turned 23 weeks pregnant. The doctor told me I was in active labor and my baby was on his way. I had a choice to make. I could go home and have a miscarriage in the comfort of my home, or I could stay in the hospital and have a miscarriage, but there was nothing he could do for me or my baby. At that moment I knew that I was right. God was real, but he just hated me. So I chose to go home. He said he would get my discharge papers together while I got dressed.

While getting dressed a nurse came in the room and told me to take my clothes off and that I needed to be checked out again. She told me she was also going to help me prepare for delivery. I tried telling her I was going home. She told me I wasn’t. So I got undressed. She gave me two hospital gowns and a blanket. She helped me get ready for labor. Before she walked out the room she told me to call my family. So I picked up my phone and I called my grandmother. I told her everything that was going on with me. She began to pray. For the first time in a long time as she prayed I listened. For some reason I just knew I couldn’t leave the hospital. The tears began to fall. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. When she was done she confirmed what I was already feeling. She told me not to leave the hospital no matter what.

When the doctor came back with my discharge papers and he saw me in the gowns he asked what was going on. I told him his nurse told me I needed to be checked out again. He left out and came back with the nurse. The nurse said she hadn’t talked to me. I explained that wasn’t the nurse I spoke with. They left and came back with another nurse, which was also the wrong nurse. He explained to me those were the only two nurses there. He gave me the discharge paper to sign so I could leave.  At this point I told him I would be staying. He again explained to me that there was nothing they could do to save my baby. That when he came that night they wouldn’t be able to help him because it wasn’t considered a viable pregnancy yet.I told him I understood, but something in me told me I needed to stay. So he admitted me. I was moved to labor and delivery. Now we were just waiting for my baby to make his entrance into the world. 

That night everything I had been taught about God came rushing back to me. That night I prayed and cried like never before. I remember asking God to spare my baby. Just to let him stay put until he was strong enough to fight on his own. He couldn’t give him to me and just take him back that fast. To give me a chance to raise him and fill him with unconditional love. I promised God that if he gave me this one thing I would change my life. I promised that I would slow down and I would do whatever I needed to to always make sure my son would be ok. Needless to say my son wasn’t born that day. I stayed in the hospital for a month stuck in bed before my son would arrive.

I went back looking for the nurse that helped me that night. No one knows who she is. I’m convinced they think i’m crazy. One thing for sure I definity believe God sent her to me to make sure I stayed where I was. Had I not picked up that phone to talk with my grandmother, she wouldn’t have been able to pray. Nor would she have been able to encourage me to talk to God for myself. That night was the night my faith in God began to come back. If I would’ve left that hospital I don’t believe my son would be here today. I know that with God the impossible is possible.

What was meant for evil; God uses for Good!!!!

Fun fact about me: I’m a big Whitney Houston fan. The Bodyguard is one of my all time favorite movies. Most people might say well duh she was a super talented woman, how could you not like her. Yes she had an amazing voice, and she may have even been a really good actor. None of that is the reason why I ended up liking her. It did help but it wasn’t my reason.

So I’m laying in bed, and out of nowhere I just start to sing this Whitney song… “ it’s not right but it’s okay, I’m gonna make it anyway. Pack your bags up and leave. Don’t you dare come running back to me.”  I was singing my little heart out. So I got this bright idea. Why not pull the song up on my phone, turn the speaker up and really just go for it. So the songs start Playing. The bluetooth speaker connects and I’m having the time of my life singing this song. So of course the song goes off and the next song comes on. Beat drops all you hear is “ clap your hands, all so right… If tomorrow was judgment day, and I’m standing on the front line. And the lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say I spent it with you.  I’m still just singing and in my happy place. The memories just came rushing back to me. My mom used to sing me this song. Super smile on my face, as I now sing and dance around my room. Then the song ended, and the next song came on. That’s when everything all of a sudden changed for me.

No warning no nothing. Just Whitney’s voice singing the words that I’ve heard my mom sing to me so many times. “If I should stay, I would only be in your way. So i’ll go, but I know i’ll think of you every step of the way. And I will always love you.” for the first time in my life I didn’t sing along with the song. I couldn’t sing along with the song. I was stuck. It was like I had never really heard the lyrics of the song before tonight.  The next verse then goes on to say. “Bittersweet memories that is all I’m taking with me. So goodbye please don’t cry. We both know I’m not what you, you need.” I couldn’t help but remember one night me and her were at my grandmother’s house watching tv, and before she left she was singing this song to me. When she got to this part of the song she just started to cry. Which made me cry. I didn’t see my mom for almost a year after that. 

So now i’m sitting in bed listening to this song and I can’t stop the tears from falling. Was this our goodbye song? Was she singing Whitney’s words to me, because they matched everything she couldn’t bring herself to say to me? She knew that at that time in my life she wasn’t the right person to take care of me. She knew that she needed to leave me with my grandma in order for me to be okay. The way she was living she couldn’t keep me safe.

The song then says, “I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love.” At this point she would whisper in my ear that I was loved. That she loved me. Then she would pull me in and hug me, and we would rock and she would hum. Every time she sang this song to me she disappeared for a while. She would never say goodbye. Just sing the song and hug me. Kiss me on my forehead, and she would leave when the song was done.  She walked away thinking that leaving was what was best for me just like Whitney did in the movie.

So now I’m sitting here, and I can’t help but smile as the tears run down my face.  I’m smiling because those hugs and her singing me this song were some of the warmest moments of my life. Now I realize that they were also some of the saddest. I guess we can call that a bittersweet memory. Even in this I know that my safety and well being was important to her. Some may not get it, lord knows I didn’t at first but I do now. 

Mommy I just want you to know that my life may have not gone according to your plans, and things may have not played out the way that you thought it should. For a while things may have been a little rough for me. But at this moment life is treating me kindly. The day Xavier was born life gave me more than I could have ever dreamed possible. He was and still is a miracle, sent straight to me.( guess God knew I could use a little joy) He has filled my life with more joy and happiness than i’ve ever dreamt was  possible. I’ve been blessed to love, and be loved in a way that I could only dream of by a man that wants nothing but the best for me. I’ve found real peace for the first time in my life. I’m happy, really happy. The kind of happiness you feel deep down inside of you.

I will always love you is one of my favorite songs, and tonight it just took on a whole new meaning for me. I can never look at this song the same now. I will never be able to just dance around my room and sing this song like I have no cares in the world like before. This song means so so so so much more now. Next time the song plays I’ll turn the speaker all the way up, and I’ll dance slowly as I sing along. While I remember that moment in grandma’s living room, and all the joy and happiness that life has brought me.

“I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. DARLING, I LOVE YOU”!!!!!!

What was meant for evil; God uses for good!!!!

When I started blogging it was just to help me finally talk about things that i’ve been holding onto for so long. Never during this process did I believe that I would get any answers to any of the questions that I’ve been wanting to ask for so long. I guess just like I wasn’t ready to share. Maybe others weren’t ready to share either. I’m guessing when I started opening up, and putting myself out there. It made others feel like they could too, or maybe people not knowing how I felt and finally hearing it has opened people up to finally speak their truth. Now they’re ready to give me the answers I’ve been waiting on for so long.

I’ve been talking with my dad since my blog started, like really talking. He’s been so helpful in filling in things I can’t remember. Also answering questions that I never had the strength to ask before. I know that some of the things that came up are new to him, and some stuff may even open up old wounds for him. I’m thankful that even through it all he didn’t closeup, but instead stepped up to help me fill the missing pieces. 

He talked to me about what Mother’s Day use to look like when I was really little. How we use to buy cards for my mom, and he would help me and my brother sign them. We use to do dinner with their moms. Each mom got a different year. I really wish I remembered all of this. The way he talks about it makes it sound as if we all had so much fun together. I don’t really remember a lot of moments when we were all together happy.

When my mom got sick they had a conversation. She told him that he still didn’t have himself completely together, and she didn’t want me living in some random woman’s house. She made him promise that if anything happened to her, he wouldn’t take me away from my grandmother unless he had a stable place of his own. He promised. So all these years i’ve been living thinking that I just wasn’t good enough for him to love. Asking myself over and over why he didnt wanna step up and take me with him and be the dad that I wanted and needed at that moment. Not knowing that he promised to allow my grandmother to raise me if anything happened.

I no longer have to wonder and question what was wrong with me, and why my parents didn’t want me. Talking with my dad cleared a lot of things up for me. For one he told me that him and my mom always loved me. There wasn’t a moment that they were away from me that they didn’t think about me. He told me that they had some issues that they needed to get under control, and neither really had a stable place to stay. They both felt that it would be better for me to be somewhere stable, and not around the stuff they were dealing with. Part of me always assumed this could have played a part from things i’ve heard about my parents while growing up. It was just nice to finally hear it from one of them. It helped to close some things that I was still holding onto.

I look forward to having him help me figure out some more things that I’ve been needing to know the answers to.

What was meant for evil; God uses for Good!!!!

I took some time away to really just sit and think, and get back to myself. To remind myself of why I started this blog in the first place.It was about me healing, and other people like me healing. It was finally a chance to step out of the shadows of everything that has happened to me, and finally just live and be myself. It was about me finally finding my voice, and not allowing my past to affect my future. It was a coming out celebration of sorts. I was coming out of my shell and finally seeing what I was capable of without setting limits on myself. For a moment I forgot all  that. I let myself down, I caged myself back in when I started to worry about how people were feeling. 

I feel like I stopped writing for myself. For my own release for a moment. I had to take a moment to remember that at the end of the day this is, and always will be for me. A safe way to heal me. To try to fix some of what has been broken. To help pull the pieces of me back together. I started to worry about who I may offend in my process, and I can’t worry about that. I held back afraid of who may not like what it is that I have to say. People were afraid of what I may say about them, or how I might make them look. I can no longer worry about any feelings outside of mine. I don’t wanna offend anyone, but on the same hand I can’t hide what my truth is.

So I stepped back. I stopped writing and sharing.  I went back into hiding. Just me and my notebook, and all these feelings. I kinda put a pause on my healing process, told myself it wasn’t something I needed to do. I lived with it this long, what’s a little longer. Asked  myself why pull scabs off old wounds? Why put yourself through the pain of reliving all of this? What I was praying and asking God to do, versus what I was doing. Didn’t  go hand in hand. How could I ask him to heal me from this pain, but I didn’t wanna do any of the work to try to heal.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” PSALMS 30:5.  I couldn’t allow myself to stop any longer. I’ve lived with the pain, guilt, and shame for so many years. I guess I got comfortable there. I’ve recently got a taste of what it feels like to be at peace and I want that feeling. So here I am back to trusting God and the process. Knowing that soon this storm will all be over. I’ll be able to look back on it, and say I made it through. I may have stood in the midst of it for years. I may have been knocked down again and again. It may have taken me awhile to get back up. Here I am today standing strong waiting on my morning to come. I WON’T turn back now. I CAN’T turn back now.

What was meant for evil; God uses for good!!!!

So it’s been a little rough for me these last few weeks. It’s seems the deeper I dig into my past. The more demons I have to face. It felt as if I was reliving some up it, which opened up new wounds and pulled the scabs off the old ones. This time I decided to handle things differently. No more just sitting there in my pain. I began to pray and ask God to heal me from all this pain. Take me through whatever he needed to take me through, but when he’s done please just heal my heart, my soul and my mind.

So along with the praying I decided that I would also try and remember some of my favorite moments in life. The bad may seem to outweigh the good, but I was blessed to have had some pretty amazing moments in my life. Moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. So I wanted to share with you some of those special moments…

1.Tea parties with my brother

He used to go buy champagne soda and butterfinger bbs for our tea parties. He would let me pour the soda in my teapot and I would serve the candies on little plates. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t fancy.

2. The day my mom let me play restaurant with all this money

She had all this cash. It had to be a few thousand. I have no idea where it came from. I put all the money in my cash register and I was ready for business. I made my brother spend all the money my mom gave him at my restaurant.

3. The first time my dad took me shopping at woodbury 

You couldn’t tell me my dad wasn’t rich. Every store I went in he let me buy stuff. It was the first time anyone had taken my shopping and let me pick out whatever I wanted.

4. When my grandmother(dads mom) use to let me do pageants

It was just fun. She really likes getting the chance to dress me up.

5. Coming back from down south with a really bad toothache

I know your looking at this one like I’m Crazy. It wasn’t the toothache that was special, but because of the toothache I got to cuddle up under my grandma on the way home. I got to lay on her lap and she hugged me for the rest of the ride while she hummed and prayed. This is definitely one of my top 2 moments.

6. Every moment I ever got to spend with my grandpa John

Grandpa John was just the best. I would go to his house and he would make my sandwiches. We would sit and watch the stories together. We would talk, and then he would teach me how to play cards. Every moment with him he made sure I felt special.

7. Car rides with my mom, my uncle and my cousin 

My mom drove this long red Cadillac. When my uncleCame over he would bring his son. They would throw us in the back on the floor with all these toys. We used to be in the back on the floor just rolling around while they were making turns.

8. Playing in the rain with my mom

Couple days before she died there was a big rainstorm and she took me outside to play in it. We ran, we jumped, we laughed. It was the best day of my life 

9. The last couple of weeks I got to spend with my uncle 

My uncle and I never really seemed to get along. I guess he didn’t speak to me much because himAnd my mom didn’t get along. The last few weeks of his life that all changed. He apologized to me, and we really started to build a relationship that I miss so Much. We used to go out and eat and he would pick out good books for me to read.

10. The day my son was born 

I had prayed and cried so much for him to just be ok. The day he was born I was alone and scared. I got to speak to my grandma right before I had him and she started praying for me, and in that moment I realized that I wasn’t alone like I thought. I woke up after my C-section asked if he was chocolate and ok they told me yes and knocked me back out. That was the day I figured out what unconditional love was.

11. The day I brought my son home from the hospital

I waited for that day for so long. I was so excited he was finally leaving the hospital after being there for 3 months. I was also really scared that I would get him home, and not be able to take care of him.

12. The day my dad showed up at the hospital while I was pregnant 

I called him and told him I was stuck in the hospital, and he told me he was coming to check on me. I Judy didn’t believe it. When I opened my eyes and saw him standing there I wanted to cry. We were on the road to having the relationship I always wanted us to have.

13. The day I got married 

It was a simple day just so full of love.

14. The day I became an Eastern Star 

I felt like I became just a little bit closer with my mom. It also helped me to build my relationship with my dads side of the family

15. My first Eastern Star dance

I had the best time ever. I was surrounded by friends and family. First I’ve ever seen that many people show up anywhere for me. I felt so loved.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!