Fun fact about me: I’m a big Whitney Houston fan. The Bodyguard is one of my all time favorite movies. Most people might say well duh she was a super talented woman, how could you not like her. Yes she had an amazing voice, and she may have even been a really good actor. None of that is the reason why I ended up liking her. It did help but it wasn’t my reason.
So I’m laying in bed, and out of nowhere I just start to sing this Whitney song… “ it’s not right but it’s okay, I’m gonna make it anyway. Pack your bags up and leave. Don’t you dare come running back to me.” I was singing my little heart out. So I got this bright idea. Why not pull the song up on my phone, turn the speaker up and really just go for it. So the songs start Playing. The bluetooth speaker connects and I’m having the time of my life singing this song. So of course the song goes off and the next song comes on. Beat drops all you hear is “ clap your hands, all so right… If tomorrow was judgment day, and I’m standing on the front line. And the lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say I spent it with you. I’m still just singing and in my happy place. The memories just came rushing back to me. My mom used to sing me this song. Super smile on my face, as I now sing and dance around my room. Then the song ended, and the next song came on. That’s when everything all of a sudden changed for me.
No warning no nothing. Just Whitney’s voice singing the words that I’ve heard my mom sing to me so many times. “If I should stay, I would only be in your way. So i’ll go, but I know i’ll think of you every step of the way. And I will always love you.” for the first time in my life I didn’t sing along with the song. I couldn’t sing along with the song. I was stuck. It was like I had never really heard the lyrics of the song before tonight. The next verse then goes on to say. “Bittersweet memories that is all I’m taking with me. So goodbye please don’t cry. We both know I’m not what you, you need.” I couldn’t help but remember one night me and her were at my grandmother’s house watching tv, and before she left she was singing this song to me. When she got to this part of the song she just started to cry. Which made me cry. I didn’t see my mom for almost a year after that.
So now i’m sitting in bed listening to this song and I can’t stop the tears from falling. Was this our goodbye song? Was she singing Whitney’s words to me, because they matched everything she couldn’t bring herself to say to me? She knew that at that time in my life she wasn’t the right person to take care of me. She knew that she needed to leave me with my grandma in order for me to be okay. The way she was living she couldn’t keep me safe.
The song then says, “I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love.” At this point she would whisper in my ear that I was loved. That she loved me. Then she would pull me in and hug me, and we would rock and she would hum. Every time she sang this song to me she disappeared for a while. She would never say goodbye. Just sing the song and hug me. Kiss me on my forehead, and she would leave when the song was done. She walked away thinking that leaving was what was best for me just like Whitney did in the movie.
So now I’m sitting here, and I can’t help but smile as the tears run down my face. I’m smiling because those hugs and her singing me this song were some of the warmest moments of my life. Now I realize that they were also some of the saddest. I guess we can call that a bittersweet memory. Even in this I know that my safety and well being was important to her. Some may not get it, lord knows I didn’t at first but I do now.
Mommy I just want you to know that my life may have not gone according to your plans, and things may have not played out the way that you thought it should. For a while things may have been a little rough for me. But at this moment life is treating me kindly. The day Xavier was born life gave me more than I could have ever dreamed possible. He was and still is a miracle, sent straight to me.( guess God knew I could use a little joy) He has filled my life with more joy and happiness than i’ve ever dreamt was possible. I’ve been blessed to love, and be loved in a way that I could only dream of by a man that wants nothing but the best for me. I’ve found real peace for the first time in my life. I’m happy, really happy. The kind of happiness you feel deep down inside of you.
I will always love you is one of my favorite songs, and tonight it just took on a whole new meaning for me. I can never look at this song the same now. I will never be able to just dance around my room and sing this song like I have no cares in the world like before. This song means so so so so much more now. Next time the song plays I’ll turn the speaker all the way up, and I’ll dance slowly as I sing along. While I remember that moment in grandma’s living room, and all the joy and happiness that life has brought me.
“I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. DARLING, I LOVE YOU”!!!!!!
A Moment in my TRUTH 