When I started blogging it was just to help me finally talk about things that i’ve been holding onto for so long. Never during this process did I believe that I would get any answers to any of the questions that I’ve been wanting to ask for so long. I guess just like I wasn’t ready to share. Maybe others weren’t ready to share either. I’m guessing when I started opening up, and putting myself out there. It made others feel like they could too, or maybe people not knowing how I felt and finally hearing it has opened people up to finally speak their truth. Now they’re ready to give me the answers I’ve been waiting on for so long.
I’ve been talking with my dad since my blog started, like really talking. He’s been so helpful in filling in things I can’t remember. Also answering questions that I never had the strength to ask before. I know that some of the things that came up are new to him, and some stuff may even open up old wounds for him. I’m thankful that even through it all he didn’t closeup, but instead stepped up to help me fill the missing pieces.
He talked to me about what Mother’s Day use to look like when I was really little. How we use to buy cards for my mom, and he would help me and my brother sign them. We use to do dinner with their moms. Each mom got a different year. I really wish I remembered all of this. The way he talks about it makes it sound as if we all had so much fun together. I don’t really remember a lot of moments when we were all together happy.
When my mom got sick they had a conversation. She told him that he still didn’t have himself completely together, and she didn’t want me living in some random woman’s house. She made him promise that if anything happened to her, he wouldn’t take me away from my grandmother unless he had a stable place of his own. He promised. So all these years i’ve been living thinking that I just wasn’t good enough for him to love. Asking myself over and over why he didnt wanna step up and take me with him and be the dad that I wanted and needed at that moment. Not knowing that he promised to allow my grandmother to raise me if anything happened.
I no longer have to wonder and question what was wrong with me, and why my parents didn’t want me. Talking with my dad cleared a lot of things up for me. For one he told me that him and my mom always loved me. There wasn’t a moment that they were away from me that they didn’t think about me. He told me that they had some issues that they needed to get under control, and neither really had a stable place to stay. They both felt that it would be better for me to be somewhere stable, and not around the stuff they were dealing with. Part of me always assumed this could have played a part from things i’ve heard about my parents while growing up. It was just nice to finally hear it from one of them. It helped to close some things that I was still holding onto.
I look forward to having him help me figure out some more things that I’ve been needing to know the answers to.
A Moment in my TRUTH 