I took some time away to really just sit and think, and get back to myself. To remind myself of why I started this blog in the first place.It was about me healing, and other people like me healing. It was finally a chance to step out of the shadows of everything that has happened to me, and finally just live and be myself. It was about me finally finding my voice, and not allowing my past to affect my future. It was a coming out celebration of sorts. I was coming out of my shell and finally seeing what I was capable of without setting limits on myself. For a moment I forgot all that. I let myself down, I caged myself back in when I started to worry about how people were feeling.
I feel like I stopped writing for myself. For my own release for a moment. I had to take a moment to remember that at the end of the day this is, and always will be for me. A safe way to heal me. To try to fix some of what has been broken. To help pull the pieces of me back together. I started to worry about who I may offend in my process, and I can’t worry about that. I held back afraid of who may not like what it is that I have to say. People were afraid of what I may say about them, or how I might make them look. I can no longer worry about any feelings outside of mine. I don’t wanna offend anyone, but on the same hand I can’t hide what my truth is.
So I stepped back. I stopped writing and sharing. I went back into hiding. Just me and my notebook, and all these feelings. I kinda put a pause on my healing process, told myself it wasn’t something I needed to do. I lived with it this long, what’s a little longer. Asked myself why pull scabs off old wounds? Why put yourself through the pain of reliving all of this? What I was praying and asking God to do, versus what I was doing. Didn’t go hand in hand. How could I ask him to heal me from this pain, but I didn’t wanna do any of the work to try to heal.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” PSALMS 30:5. I couldn’t allow myself to stop any longer. I’ve lived with the pain, guilt, and shame for so many years. I guess I got comfortable there. I’ve recently got a taste of what it feels like to be at peace and I want that feeling. So here I am back to trusting God and the process. Knowing that soon this storm will all be over. I’ll be able to look back on it, and say I made it through. I may have stood in the midst of it for years. I may have been knocked down again and again. It may have taken me awhile to get back up. Here I am today standing strong waiting on my morning to come. I WON’T turn back now. I CAN’T turn back now.
A Moment in my TRUTH 