Mother

Part 2

Looking back I can see now that my mom was always different from others, but that’s just what made her so much better. I remember I was in kindergarten and I guess I was having separation issues; her being home and me being in school all day. So everyday I would go to school, I would just cry, or I would pretend to be sick. They would call my mom and I would get to go home. It got to the point where she just didn’t send me. She would send me just so I could get whatever work I needed. Then she would come pick me up in the middle of the day. The only time I stayed in school all day was if I had a trip. Guess she knew I just needed to spend extra time with her. Maybe she knew from then how life would play out for us. Maybe she didn’t. I’m thankful either way for every moment I was able to spend with her no matter how small it was.

I remember when she first showed back up at my grandma’s house, I was so excited. When I found out that she would be staying I got super scared, and confused. Don’t get me wrong this was the moment I had waited for; for so long. In my head I just couldn’t trust it. I couldn’t trust that this time she was back for good. Even with her standing there promising to never leave me. My head wouldn’t let me trust it, and my heart wanted nothing more than for it to all be true. A week or so into her being home the whispering started.

 My mom and my grandma sneaked around talking to each other and then stopped whenever I came in a room. Forget just changing the subject they would stop talking all together. Then my aunt got in on the whispering, and I just knew my mom was leaving again. If only it was just that simple. 

Soon after the whispering started my mom started to have doctors appointments often. I didn’t really think much of it. In my head all those years she spent away from me she must’ve missed her appointments with the doctor. So she was just catching up. I realize now how silly that may sound, but that’s really what I was telling myself. In between all the whispers and appointments me and my mother started to build this amazing relationship. Somehow she had got me to drop my guards, and I was finally happy again. I finally had a mom like everyone else I knew, and this time she wasn’t leaving. My heart was full, and I just knew my prayers had been answered. God had finally heard me. It wasn’t what I prayed for word for word, but it was good enough for me. Little did I know my world would soon be turned upside down yet again.

My mom got sick and was in the hospital for a few days. At first I wasn’t allowed to visit. I begged and I cried until my grandma finally took me to see her. I remember sitting there and my mom and grandma argued back and forth about telling me what was going on as if I wasn’t in the room. The doctor came in and my grandma made me leave out the room. When the doctor left out and my grandma came to get me out the hallway, she looked like someone knocked the air out of her. When I went back in the room my mom told me she had something she needed to speak with me about. She told me that I needed to be strong and my worst fears came rushing back to me immediately, she was about to tell me that she wouldn’t be returning home with me. That I would have to continue to live with my grandma instead of her. My little heart wasn’t ready for what she was about to tell me. I stood tall and I told her I could be strong. She took my hand and told me she had cancer. The doctors were only giving her 3 to 6 months to live. I remember feeling like my heart had fallen out of my chest, and I felt the tears fall before I even had a chance to process what was being said to me. She wiped my tears. My grandma told me this wasn’t the time for tears. So I dried my eyes and summoned what little strength I had left to keep myself together. My mom told me that the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about, and they didn’t know how strong she really was. She told me she had just gotten her favorite girl back, and there was no way she was leaving me this time. I believed her.

I found out the only reason they told me was because my mom was taking Chemo, but it made her feel worse. So she refused treatment and the doctors told her without it she wouldn’t live long. So I watched as my mother fought for every day we had together.

I didn’t cry around my family. I had promised that I would be strong, and that’s what I was doing. There’s only so much a 12 year old girl can take before she starts to fall apart. I was dealing with my mom being sick at home. Then I would go to school and I had to deal with people picking on me there. I wasn’t focused and my work started to suffer. I remember my teacher stopping to talk to me about my work and the tears just started falling. He told me to step into the hallway, and he asked me what was going on. I broke down right there and I told this man that my mom was dying. That was the first time I had ever said it to anyone. It was the first time that it all really hit me, and it all became so real for me in that moment. I broke down and I couldn’t stop the tears. He hugged me and told me that it would be ok. That was the first time anyone had told me things would be ok. I believed him.

At this point I really started to pray, because if God was able to bring her back to me then he could also heal her. My grandma told me to pray that God’s will be done like she was, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to live longer than the time she was giving, and I wanted her to be healed. So that’s what I prayed. When my mom came home from the hospital she was placed in a hospice program. A home attendant came to our house every day to help her. The home attendant never did anything but watch tv. My mom wanted to move around and do everything for herself, and that’s just what she did. When the 6 months was up she was kicked out of the hospice program. She told me that she was living too long for the program. So that was prayer number 1 answered. Come on God you got this.

It’s like she was trying to fit so many life lessons into what little time we had left. I just didn’t realize it then. She was preparing me and I had no clue it was happening. It’s like she knew that our time together was running out. I had an uncle pass away August 12, 2013, and he had a service here in New York the day of the blackout. Then his body was flown down south. While we were down south my mom told my cousin she was next. She said God had let her live long enough to get me ready to live without her and that I was almost ready. Nobody believed her. We all brushed her off like she was crazy. 

There was a really bad rain storm after we got back from down south. My mom told me to tie my hair up and let’s go outside. We danced in the rain. We rain. We sang. I laughed and smiled. I kicked my sandals off and I splashed in the puddles. I kicked water at my mother and she kicked water back at me. I was soaked from head to toe, and it was absolutely amazing. It was the best day of my whole life. I was 14.

My mom got really sick a few days later. I woke up and she was throwing up blood. I was scared, but I promised to be strong. I told her that I thought we should get some help. She told me no. She told me she just needed me to help her to the bathroom. She had blood coming from everywhere. At this point I knew we needed more than just me. So I ran and got my grandma. She came running up the stairs. She told my mother she needed to go to the hospital, but she refused. My mom said she wanted to take a bath to clean up some. So we ran the water. My grandma told her that if she got worse she would have to go to the hospital. She agreed. While sitting in the tub my mom threw up what looked like a chunk of blood the size of my hand. My grandma called 911. My mom was so upset with me for getting my grandma. I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital with my mom when the EMTs showed up. My aunt went with her. I stayed home and cried until my aunt got back. She told me that my mom would be fine. That she was doing much better before she left.

The next morning during sunday school my grandma got a call. It was the hospital, they told her that if she wanted to see my mom alive again she better come now. We rushed to the hospital. I sat outside her room. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. Something in me knew that if I went in the room it meant this was over, and I just wasn’t ready for that. My grandma went in first. Then my aunt went in. my grandma said “Nicky you need to go say goodbye to your mom.” I just sat there. My body was so numb I wasn’t even sure my legs would hold me up when I was ready to go in. when I finally got enough strength to walk in my moms room. I grabbed her hand and rubbed her face and I told her how sorry I was for telling my grandma she was sick. She opened her eyes for the first time since we had been there. She looked at me and smiled. My mom died immediately after that. The doctors rushed in and started working on her and all I could do was slide to the floor and cry. I never got to tell my mom I loved her before she took her last breath. She promised she would never leave me, and this time she left me forever.

What was meant for evil; God uses for good!!!!