Grandma it would be a lie if I said I didn’t miss you. So much has happened since you left, and some of it just makes no sense to me. I pick up the phone to call you all the time, because I know you always have the answers. Then I remember that you’re no longer here and I put the phone down. I would give anything for just one more talk with you. I need you to help me make sense of some things. Nothing went the way I thought it would after you left, but I’m sure you’re watching and you know that by now.

Sometimes I feel like I took those last few months with you for granted, and I never meant to do that. I just couldn’t figure out how to be in two places at the same time. My family needed me here, and you needed me there. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. You understood I needed to be home, but that just doesn’t seem to be enough for me at times. I wish you and Xavier would have had more time together. More time to build the relationship that we ended up having. More time to build better memories. 

I question if I made the right choice to stay in New York and suffer after I had Xavier.  Me and you had made plans for us to come out there and I never followed through. I didn’t do any of the things I stayed in New York to do. I should’ve left a long time ago. It would’ve been an out for me, but more importantly I would have been there to help you.

I miss you so much. I know time heals all wounds, but i’m not sure I’ll ever be the same. There was still so much I needed help through. Now I have no one. I love you more than I’ve ever been able to tell you. Sometimes I sit and wonder if you knew just how much you meant to me. How much I looked forward to our phone calls. 

Watch over my mom for me. Hug her, and tell her how much I’ve missed her too. Tell her about Xavier for me. Tell her how amazing he is, and how much he reminds you of me when I was younger. Tell her how the doctors counted him out, but God had different plans for him. Tell her how hard we had to fight and pray to get him to where he is today. Oh how I wish she would’ve been able to meet him. Let her know how much I wish she would’ve fought, and held out just a little longer. It was so much I needed her to explain to me. So much I put myself through that I wouldn’t have dealt with if she was here. Tell her that I had a moment of weakness where I felt like life wasn’t worth living. But tell her i’m trying, I really am. Things get hard and life seems really dark at times, but i’m a fighter. I’m fighting my way through it. I will make it.

I understand now our time had to be cut short. So I could go through everything that I went through. So that my story may one day help someone else. I promised that I would always use my voice. Well that promise has started me blogging. Wasn’t what I had in mind, but I’m doing it. I really feel like it’s helping me.

Before I go I just wanna tell you grandma that I get it. I remember you telling me after my mother died; not to allow the darkness to consume me, but I did and I became comfortable in it. You would tell me to pray. I couldn’t understand it then, and really I didn’t see the need to pray. After losing you that same darkness started to consume me again, and I fell into a depression that I really couldn’t shake. I was ok there, because it was a familiar place for me. It was a place where I found comfort. It was like nothing was right. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong. One night I couldn’t sleep, and I started hearing “will you trust me in the midst of it all?” Day after the day the question just kept repeating in my head. So I started to pray. It took me some time but I’m finally ready to trust God with all of my pain, with all of my hurt. With all of me. So I guess im saying my answer is YES LORD YES i’ll trust you in the midst of everything im going through. Sometimes you have to be willing to step out of what you’ve  become comfortable in, and not look back. So here’s to no turning back.

So grandma I love you. Mommy I love you too. I hope I make you two proud of me. Until we meet again.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!