Today my heart hurts. I haven’t lost anyone or anything but there’s a chance that I could. That chance that I could is making my heart hurt more than I ever thought it could. How can I love someone that I’ve never met? It’s so early that I can’t even do anything to help you even if I wanted to. I just found out about you like 2 or 3 days ago and I love you already. I love you with a love that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve dreamed of you and wanted you for so long. You are loved and you are wanted. If I never get to meet you I will grieve your loss.
We’ve talked about you for years. Wonder what a little bit of him and just a little more of me mixed together would look like. How would you act? Who would you look like more? The answer was always me(lol). You would act like me. You would look like me. Another little version of me in the flesh. Another big blessing in a little package.
When I close my eyes I see you. I haven’t told anyone this but I see you. A brown skin little girl with curly pretty pigtails. With eyes like your dad and a smile like my mom and a laugh that reminds me so much of my mom. Oh my baby girl I see you and you are perfect in every way. You’re so happy. Every time I see you smiling you seem so happy. I feel so happy when I’m watching you. You’re what’s missing in my life. I need you.
I’ve started making a list of names but I don’t need the list. In my dreams I call you Carleena and in real life i’ll call you the same. You’re named after my mom. Idk how I know you’re a girl it’s just a feeling that i’ve been having. I call you Leena for short. I love you already more than I love myself. If I had to pick between me and you I would already pick you. You are meant to be here with me. You’re going to be something special. I can feel it.
I just pray God sees fit for you to come into this world through me. If not, I guess we will meet again in another place and in another time. Just know mommy loves you always no matter what.
It’s been a couple weeks and my heart still aches. This pain is different, because I know for sure that you’re gone.I come back and reread these words that I wrote for you and I remember the excitement and the joy that I felt when I found out about you.Things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, but I know that my will isnt always in line with what God’s plan for me is. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t hurt at first, or that I didn’t ask God why us? That I didn’t shed tears over our loss. That being locked in the house dealing with this loss hasn’t made me feel like I was going to lose my mind. I don’t want to lie to you. I will say this. That while in the midst of this pain, I began to talk to God. As I sat and began to pray about it he had people come to me and remind me that he would give me the desires of my heart. So with that being said baby girl; I don’t know when you’re coming or even how you’re coming but I have faith enough to believe that you will get here. I’m trusting God with all that I am to bring you to me. So until then mommy loves you and i’ll be waiting.
A Moment in my TRUTH 