Grandma taking me in

Part 2

Things were tense between me and my grandma for a while. I wasn’t trying to hear her and she wasn’t about to abandon her way of doing things. So we bumped heads a lot. I couldn’t forgive her for what she said to me and she wasn’t about to apologize any time soon. We lived in a house together but barely spoke. I made sure I only went downstairs when I knew she was in her room and when she was up moving around I would lock myself in my room. If she called me I would pretend like I was asleep.

Soon it was time for me to apply for college. I applied to a bunch of schools most of them were away from home. She required me to apply to school near home too. So I did. When it was time to pick, I wanted to go to school in the south and that’s where I was headed in my mind. She then asked me how I planned to get there. That she isn’t allowing me to go that far away from home. So I ended up attending college in Albany. I was so angry, when I left for school, school wasn’t what I was focused on at all. The first half of my college experience is kinda a blur. I was all over the place. I could care less about my classes. All I wanted to do was be free and live my life. I partied, I drank, I ran wild there was nothing no one could tell me. I ended up getting myself into a little bit of trouble while I was there but, I guess you live and you learn.

I remember coming home for my christmas break and my grandma sat me down and talked to me about my grades. I can still see the disappointment in her face when I told her about them. For a moment I was so happy. I was finally making her feel the way she had made me feel so long. Later on, she continued to look at me with the same look of disappointment and I knew that wasn’t what I wanted from her. Her disappointment in me hurt. It hurt more than I ever thought it would. So the next half of my school year I did way better, but by then the damage was already done. To me she never looked at me the same after that.

Soon my grandma moved out of New York and went to live in South Carolina and that’s when our relationship began to change again. When she moved away we would talk all the time. We were finally able to mend things that were broken and heal.  She became my best friend. I used to call her and talk to her about everything. She kept my secrets, she prayed for me when I needed it and didn’t think I needed it. She continued to be my pastor even from so far away. When I thought I didn’t need to go back to church she made me see otherwise. I loved calling and talking with her. She always told me the truth and didn’t sugarcoat it and that was what I needed. It seemed she had finally learned how to be my grandma and not just my pastor. She finally realized I was young and I was gonna make mistakes and I wouldn’t be perfect.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was so nervous and I wasn’t ready to be a mom. Hell, I never thought I would ever be anyone’s mom. I called her and I told her, crying. She asked me what I was crying for now. I told her I couldn’t have a baby. She asked me if I thought about that when I was laying down having fun making him. I remind her of what my doctors told me about me having kids. All she said was God always has the last say. After she found out I was pregnant she really started calling me everyday. We prayed and we talked. We came up with a plan that would be good for us both. She told me to have the baby and bring him down there to her and she would raise him as her own just like she did me. Only difference was she told me that I could never tell him that I was his mom. She would give him everything I couldn’t and I agreed to this. We talked and we planned out how everything would go. 

However, things never seem to go the way I plan them. One day I ended up in the hospital and my baby was supposedly coming early. I stayed in that hospital for a month and everyday I spoke to my grandma two or three times a day. If I didn’t answer when she called she kept calling. Whenever the doctors came in I would call her so she could hear what they were saying or I would call her and tell her what they said. She helped me make every decision along the way. She prayed for me through my whole hospital stay and my son’s stay too. After I had him she asked me when I was bringing him to her and I told her I couldn’t. She told me she already knew that once I laid eyes on my baby I wouldn’t be able to let him go. She told me she loved me. 

When things got hard here for me and Xavier she told me that we could always move down south to live with her. I really considered her offer. Started looking to see if I could find daycare near her and everything. Started looking into what kind of job i could possibly get when he was old enough and well enough for me to leave him. Something in me just wouldn’t let me leave . So I decided to stay and struggle and figure it out with my baby. After that she offered to take him again. Same offer as before. If she took him i couldn’t tell him i was his mother, she would have to raise him as her own. This time I turned her down immediately. Told her I had to figure this out for me and my son. That moment she told me she was proud of me. After that the calls slowed down some. I could never understand why that was. She was always just a call away if I needed her.

Later on I figured out she was testing me. She was trying to see if I was gonna walk away from my child like my parents did or would I stand and fight like she taught me how. I choose to fight with and for my child and that made her happy. I wouldn’t turn out to be completely like my mom after all. In that moment she felt confident that she had done a good job raising me and that I had turned out ok despite everything I had gone through.

The day my grandma died I lost the part of me that kept me grounded and in line. She was one of the only people that could talk some sense into me when I was ready to jump off the deep end. She kept me together. She prayed with me, she even cried with me and for me. She loved me more than I ever thought possible. She just had a very different way of showing it. She made me who I am today. I’ll miss her forever.

What was meant for evil, God uses for good!!!!