Grandma Taking Me in

PART 1

For a long time I used to think she didnt love me. There was no way she could love me. No one that loves you would do these things to me. No one that loved me would want me to feel this way. No one that loved me would say the things she said to me. Her daughter didn’t love me and now she doesnt love me either. I used to ask God why he made me a part of that family. Why couldn’t he send me to a family that would love and cherish me.

My Grandma showing up and taking me home with her saved my life. It placed me on a different path. Before my grandma showed up I was living in a house in Bushwick/ Bedstuy with my mom and her boyfriend. He went to work everyday. Some days after he left my mom would leave me in the house by myself and she would go out. She would come back right before he came home. Then it started getting worse. She would leave right after him and she would send me outside to play. I would be outside all day and into the night. I stayed outside until her boyfriend came home from work and told me to come inside. He would feed me and send me to bed. This was the summer before I started 3rd grade. So I was maybe 7 years old. Sometimes when I woke up the next morning she would be there and sometimes she wouldn’t.

If she didn’t come home her boyfriend would tell me to stay inside until she showed up. Then he would leave me home and go to work. Sometimes she would appear later in the day and sometimes she would never show up. It had been 3 or 4 days since I had last seen my mom. Her boyfriend was getting worried about leaving me alone in the house. So he called my grandma and asked if she could come and get me.

My grandma showed up that night on her way to church. She took me by my hand and walked me outta my old life into my new one. Only problem was I was unaware that this was happening. Now that I’m an adult I can see that it was the right thing to do. Back then I couldn’t see that. I was angry he called her and I was worried that my mom would be mad and think I was the one that told her.

Later I became even angrier but this was with my grandma. My mom showed up shortly after my grandma came to get me. I don’t know if she came to take me home with her or, if she came to ask my grandma to keep me. What I do know and remember is her showing up. I remember her telling my grandma I was her daughter. Her telling me she loves me and her leaving with tears running down her face. I can still see that in my head even now. That was the last time I saw my mom for a while. That was also the moment that the old me started to hate my grandmother. How could she keep me from my mom? Why didn’t she want me to be happy? Why did she want me to grow up without my mother? Everyone else had their mom, why not me? She clearly didn’t love me.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much she had to love me. She kept me and never gave me back. No matter how hard things got. No matter how difficult I became she kept me. She did the one thing that I couldn’t count on anyone else to do at that time in my life. She was done raising her kids and here she was starting over with me. No one ever gave her a penny to take care of me and she never went looking for them to ask them for anything either. When she took me in my grandma had to be about 60 but she kept working long and hard days just so she would be able to provide for me. For that I will forever be grateful.

Sometimes when you’re the one living in a situation you can’t see past the love you have for someone. So you’re blind to how much pain they may actually cause you. My grandma was able to see the road my life would have gone down if she would have given me back. She did what was right. Sometimes the right decision is also the hard decision. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to separate me from my mom but it was what was needed. Everyday I open my eyes. I’m thankful for that hard decision. 

However, living with this lady was no walk in the park. Strict is not the word to describe my grandma. She was like strict to the tenth power. So if there’s a word for that then that’s what she was. She wanted everything perfect at all times. She expects the best from you. Sometimes my best wasn’t even enough. She felt like my best wasn’t my best. I can say I pushed myself extra hard to live up to her standards and a lot of the times it just wasn’t enough. I used to pray that she would just wake up one day and not care so much. She was extra tough on me when it came to school. When I started living with her I wasn’t reading at all, but I could memorize a whole book if you read it to me once. I couldn’t do proper math, but I could count your money and tell you what you had left if you spent any of it. I was a street kid. I had all the street smarts and none of the book smarts. The school she was placing me in wanted to hold me back a year. She begged them not to. Told them she would work extra hard with me. If I didn’t catch up then they could leave me back that year. Her and my aunt worked with me day and night. While the other kids were playing I was reading or working on math. I caught up. By the time I made it to 5th grade I had exceeded everyone’s expectations for me. I took a test that year to go to a school for gifted and talented kids. I passed the test and started school there the following school year. When I got to highschool everything started to really get outta hand to me. I remember once at a parent teacher conference she picked up my report card. She took one look at it and asked me what happened and what I had to say for myself. When I looked at my report I thought I had done an amazing job. My average was a 93. She asked me what happened to the other 7 points. At that moment I knew nothing would ever be enough for her.

I stayed in church. Do you hear me? At one point I was in church 7 days a week. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays  were prayers. Tuesdays and Thursdays were prayer and bible study. Saturdays were early morning prayer and going over the Sunday school lesson. While everyone else in the world was sleeping late on Saturdays I was up by 8 in church praying that they would let me go back to sleep. Sundays were Sunday school and Sunday morning service. Some Sundays we even had a 2nd service to go to. We had church so much that the church ended up in my living room at one point. I remember coming home from school and seeing the ST.Peters Holiness church sign hanging from the front of my house. I was so embarrassed. Not only were we the kids that could barely come outside. Now we were also the kids with the church in the house. You would think that with the church being in my house I could come anyway I wanted. Nope, I had to put on my Sunday best just to go downstairs. 

When I got old enough to not be forced to go to church I stopped going for the most part. I was finally free and able to go and come as I pleased. She wasn’t too happy about that. She told me I was living too fast and that I was gonna crash hard. I really didn’t care. I felt like I had lived by her rules for so long and she didn’t care how I felt then. So why should I care about what she was saying now. I remember she told me one day that if I didn’t slow down I would end up just like my mother. I told her I would rather be like my mother than to be like her. I think that was the day my relationship with my grandmother really broke.

Everyone was always telling them how much I reminded them of my mom –  attitude wise. Now that I’m older people tell me I remind them of my grandma. I guess, attitude wise. I think I finally understand why she was so hard on me. Not just because that’s who she was. I think she was scared I would end up like my mom. She used to say she saw so much of her in me. I guess she didn’t want those parts of me to jump out and take over and lead me back down the path she fought so hard to get me off of. What she didn’t realize was by being so hard on me and making me feel like a prisoner in my own home she was forcing me more on that road then she knew. Only thing was she had made me so tough I was able to fight my way back. I know she loved me. I just think she didn’t show it the way I wanted and needed her too. But there’s no doubt in my mind today that she loved me.

GRANDMA I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

What was meant for evil, God uses for GOOD!!!!