I was brought into this world by a black man and woman.
I’m in love with a black man
I’m raising two young black men.
I used to know a guy that loved kids. I mean he really loved kids but he told me that he would never have one of his own. I remember sitting down with him one day so he could explain his reasoning to me. He told me that he saw how this world treated him and he refused to bring a child into it. He refused to ever allow someone to disrespect and hate his children just off the color of their skin. He told me the only way to make sure they were safe from people like that was to never have them. By this time I already had my son. I couldn’t imagine letting someone’s treatment of me stop me from being his mom. Even with everything that had happened in my past I still wanted my son. So I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I thought his way of thinking was all the way off.
Now that I’m raising two young boys of my own I wonder if maybe he was on to something. I have a son that’s 15 and one that’s 7, every time I turn the news on my heart aches for them. Every time they step out of my sight I’m in constant fear for them. It hurts my heart that some people will see them just as black faces instead of getting to know their hearts. They’ll be seen as threats instead of the loving gentle boys that they are.
How do I explain to my 7 year old son that soon he will go from being a cute little black boy, to being someone they fear? Not because he has ever done anything to them for them to fear him, but just because of the color of his skin. That a lot of the people that he was taught were there to help him may mean him harm as he gets older. That even though he is taught he is free and equal he really isn’t. Why is it that I’ve already had to train him to be twice as good? Just to get half as far. To make sure he doesn’t make any mistakes. Why is it that I have to teach him that he can’t have an outburst, that he has to learn how to hold in his anger and his hurt until he gets home to me. That I’ll take it. No matter what you’re going through out there, don’t express it. Bring it home and I’ll help you through it. Am I crippling my child with this way of thinking?
I tell my oldest son to go to school and come straight home and most days that’s just what he does. Some days he stops and plays arounds with his friends. These days I hold my breath until he walks through the door. What if he is out playing around with his friends and they end up in the wrong place, at the wrong time. What if one day they fit the description for something they didn’t do. What if he answers their questions wrong. What if he gets sarcastic with them and they don’t like it. What if he reaches for his phone and they fear for their lives. What if he starts to twirl his pencil and they think it’s something else. Oh God please bring my baby home safe, so I stop, pray and hold my breath until he is home safe.While he’s home i’m trying to teach him how to behave. Don’t go out of this house acting a fool. Be better behaved out there then you are in here with me. Don’t walk too fast, don’t run, but make sure you get home as quickly as possible. Don’t wear your hood on your head at night. If the police ever stop you keep your hands up and in clear sight at all times. Tell them you don’t have any weapons on you loudly and clearly. Whatever you do please never reach for anything. Why must I give this speech to my son all the time just because he looks different.
How do you explain to your kids that just because of their skin color they are considered a threat? How is it fair that I have to teach my son not to wear his hood on his head because I’m afraid for his safety. Why is it that I have to prepare my children for the sad fact that this world doesn’t love them? Just because they will grow into strong black men one day. Why do I have to teach my children so many extra rules?
Even though I know all of these things and I’ve seen first hand how my skin color gets me treated. I still teach my sons to love everyone no matter their skin color. To treat others with the same respect that you would want them to give you. You bonded with people based on the energy they put out there. Love is love and you may receive love from someone that doesn’t look like you and that’s ok. It just means they don’t see color either.
After all these years I still ask myself, was he right? Was it selfish of me to bring these kids into such a cruel world. I can’t be with them every moment in their lives, so how am I supposed to keep them safe from everyone that sets out to harm them. How do I keep them from experiencing the same sinking feeling that I felt. If only I could keep them locked in the house and under my wing forever. Hopefully, if they have children, their children will be born into a world that doesn’t see color, just character.
A Moment in my TRUTH 