Baby????

When I found out I was pregnant with my son I cried. I’m not talking about happy tears like “ yes this is happening this is all I ever wanted”. NOPE, I cried those ugly I can’t believe this is really happening to me tears. Now don’t get me wrong, my kid is a true blessing. I wouldn’t trade him or anything we’ve been through. It’s just I didn’t want any kids. Not so much as I didnt want them, but I had already planned out my life without them. I stopped caring about the kind of person I was. I wasn’t talking to my family and I was on my own. My mom was gone and my other mother (my grandma) had packed up and moved to South Carolina. What was I going to do with the baby? Who was gonna give my baby his first bath? Who was gonna shape his nose? Who was gonna tell me how to take care of him? I had lived my life floating from one place to the next, and that wasn’t gonna work with this baby coming. I was gonna have to learn how to settle into one place and be ok with that.

I know some may be wondering why would I ever plan my life without kids. Well it’s not like I didn’t want any kids. When I was younger I would play house with my Teddy Bears and I always had two kids. (lol) I used to call them X and C. It wasn’t until I got a little older that I went to the doctor that I found out that I couldn’t have kids.

I’ll never forget it. I had started having sex, and the doctor wanted me to take my first pap smear. I was so nervous. This was my first time ever going to the doctor alone, but I couldnt tell my grandma that i had started having sex. When everything came back the doctor told me she was sending me to see another doctor, because she didn’t like the results. She told me I needed to get a biopsy done on my cervix. So now i’m nervous because I don’t understand anything really. I had no one to talk to about everything. So my 16 year old self thought it smart to take someone with me. So that’s what I did. 

The Morning of the test me and Sha (my boyfriend at the time) went down to the doctors office and we waited. He held my hand the whole time and told me things would be ok. I know he was just as nervous because he was just a kid himself. This was a new experience for the both of us.  When the doctor came out to get me Sha didn’t want to let go of my hand but this was something he couldn’t help me with. 

I remember laying on the table freezing in the robe. Doctor had given me something to numb my lady parts. As he began to cut the tears just started falling. I remember thinking in that moment that I needed my grandma with me. You can’t tell me that I didn’t feel and hear every cut that was made. 

Now I don’t remember this next part all that well. I try to black it out alot over the years. I remember it was time to talk with the doctor. He told me that there was scars and damage done to my cervix. I’m sitting there just looking at him because I was told they were checking to make sure I didn’t have cancer. Now this doctor is talking to me about scars and damage. He then says the one thing that would change my life from that moment on.  The doctor said “ you won’t be able to ever have kids because of how bad the scarring and damage is”. The tears began to fall as soon as the last word left his lips. I got up and I walked away. I never heard anything else he had to say after that. As far as I was concerned my life was over. The one thing that i felt made me a woman I couldn’t even do. 

So finally I broke down, and I told my grandma everything that happened. She said “ God always has the last say.”  So with her words I was on a mission to have a baby. I tried for two years and nothing happened. So at this point the doctor was right and clearly God agreed with him

Now let’s fast forward to 2012. I’m out here just living life all wild and free. I’m dating this guy. It’s his birthday. We rent a little hotel room. We’re drinking and smoking, having a good time. When all of a sudden I can’t catch my breath. I start seeing spots. I had to stick my whole face in freezing water to shock myself into taking a breath. It was so scary. We both agreed I needed to see a doctor. So the next morning we are sitting in the doctor’s office when the nurse calls my name. When I walked in the room she started asking me questions. First question “is it possible you’re pregnant?” I immediately say no thats not possible, but because im a certain age and im actively having sex i must take the test. So i take the dumb pregnacy test. I was laughing the whole time I was peeing in the cup. Like she was wasting all our time. I go sit down and I wait for the doctor and I tell him what happened. He goes “ what if you are pregnant?”  Me “that impossible” Him “ what if it’s possible.”  The doctor walked out and called my name. As soon as we got in her office she put my chart on her desk. I looked down at it and saw my pregnancy test came back positive. All I could say was “ thats a fucking lie”. I wouldn’t even sit down. I told her I needed to take the test again because that’s impossible. I can’t have kids. So she let me take it again. 

Before I saw the results the next time she asked me why I kept saying I cant have kids. From her question I already knew the second test also said I was pregnant. So I just started to cry. At that moment I heard my grandma’s voice in my head “God always has the last say.”

If I learned anything over the years; its to never plan out life based on something that you’re told about yourself. Always take it to God. People will have you out here looking crazy if you live by what they say or think. If God has something for you, it’s yours no matter what anyone else has to say about it. Until God tells you NO have faith enough to believe that it can still happen.

What was meant for evil; God uses for Good!!!!